BROKENup (not NaNo)

i just really felt the need to write something that wasn't my NaNovel. i've been wanting to do this for a while, just turning on a song and letting it inspire the story i would tell. so i did that. (at 3am. because i'm a freakin' genius!)

oh! and this is completely unedited. there could be super terrible spelling errors or words missing or typos, or any of a myriad of terrible things that can be found in writing. i apologize ahead of time. and without further ado:

The worst part is it wasn't bad.

If it had been bad, it wouldn't hurt. I could drown out the pain with anger and justification and logic. I could remember the bad and bury the good, and move on unscathed.

I wouldn't obsessively play "our" song because sometimes it makes me feel good, but most times it just reminds me that it's over and irreparable and makes me cry, but I keep playing it hoping that this will be one of the feel-good plays. I wouldn't need ice packs to minimize the puffiness around my eyes before work in the morning. I wouldn't have the constant clock ticking in my head, an endless metronome that counts down to when I can stop pretending that I'm ok and moving on and not endlessly thinking of you.

During the day I tell myself it's not over. I tell myself I'll call you on my lunch break. And on my lunch break I tell myself I'll call you after work. And all the while the clock keeps ticking. And I deleted your number from my phone because if I kept calling and hanging up, you would stop answering blocked calls, and getting your voicemail instead of your voice when I know you're there would be unbearable. I spent days trying to decide whether the fact that technology allows you to never need to memorize anyone's phone number is a blessing or a curse. If not for that, you're number would be permanently etched into my brain, programmed into the muscle memory of my fingertips. Instead, my fingers remember how to call you with speed dial, but there's no longer your number in that memory slot. And I finally decided that it's both. It is both a blessing and a curse because although all I want to do is call just to hear you say "hello," it is best that I do not. It is best that I let your voice slowly fade from my memory. Even though that is the least desirable thing I can think of doing right now.

The weekends are the worst. The nine hours I spend on weekdays pretending I'll call you later are open and empty, waiting for me to fill them in. I fill them with denial, and "our song" and washing. I have washed everything I own at least ten times. I swear I have the cleanest apartment anyone has ever seen. I should probably phone the Guinness Book of Records, because I have no doubt I would make the cut. The only reason I don't is that media likes to cover when people make it into the Guinness Book, and they would ask me what inspired me to clean so much, and I'd be forced to admit to the whole world that I'm unforgivably pathetic and that the only way I can keep from killing myself is by cleaning.

I said the worst thing was that it wasn't bad. I change my mind. While that is definitely horrendously bad, on second glance, it really is only second best to the very worst thing. The very worst thing absolutely has to be that this is all my fault. If it weren't, and if I could blame you, I might be able to slant this into something tolerable.

And don't misunderstand me. I blame you. If only you had done a better job of communicating your feelings. If only you had been around more often when I was available. Did you ever think about taking my schedule into consideration? But this part, the blaming you, it all happens at the crescendo of the denial. When lost in a mass of denial I can tell myself that it wasn't my fault at all and that this was inevitable and that it should have happened sooner. But even then, even when I'm in the throes of lying to myself, I know that I'm lying. Somewhere in the undercurrent I always know what really happened. I always know that this is something I did and you didn't want.

And I was wrong. That isn't the worst part. The worst part is that you left thinking that I didn't care. Or that I didn't care enough. But I did. I cared so much! And that's why I had to erase your number. That's why I couldn't stop calling you. Because I knew if I could just explain to you that I did care. That there were entire days that I didn't think of anything but you, then things would be ok. They probably would never go back to how they were. I might never see you again. But at least you would know that I'm not the careless jerk that i acted like, and that you were loved, sometimes overwhelmingly so, every single day, and that I'm sorry for making you ever feel otherwise. And there's a small part of me, a ridiculous and hopeless part I know, but a part all the same that thinks if only I could somehow successfully convey this all to you, that maybe this would fix everything. That this would be enough to reverse the damage and make everything better. But I know that, even if I somehow were able to find the words to tell you how I feel and properly apologize, that it would never go back to how it was. The wound is bigger than the band-aid can cover. So I deleted your number rather than putting myself through a new cycle of pain and you through the most awkward conversation in the universe.

My sister says that I'll get over this. That one day I'll wake up and you won't be the first thing on my mind. I've had heartbreak before, and I know it felt like a perpetual annihilation and that I healed. And I know that my sister thinks that what she says is true. That I will move on and find someone who fits me even better, but I swear she's wrong. There will never ever be another person in a million years that I will love even half as much.

But if I do fall in love again, which I don't think is likely, but if I do, I will never let my fear of expressing emotions get in the way of being careful and loving, and most of all, present.

Nanowrimo's Eve

well, here we are. Nanowrimo's Eve. ...and, ya know, Halloween. but Nanowrimo's Eve!!!

i've done all the preparation i can do, and now all that's left is to pray i don't get writer's block. i know where my story is going. i've finally met my characters (if only briefly. i would've liked to have spent more time with them.) and i have some chapters pre-written in my head. now i'm just all nervous and anxious.

two days ago i started thinking that i should just switch stories altogether. despite having outlined the entire thing, and made up characters, and even drawn a map, i thought maybe it would be easier to do the other story. ya know the one. the one where i talked about not being able to do because i would have to do WAY too much character development and i wasn't even sure if i was happy with the ending or the journey there. granted, i have since made a rough outline of said story and even developed the characters a bit, but still. i don't know that story nearly as well as i know my Nano story. and there are big plot holes i haven't worked through that could really stop me up, while my Nano story is solid.

(sigh) i have to win this. because next year i just want to either a) finish Theta or b) finish my "God story." that's the working title. i half way want to work off some of these jitters by writing a chapter of something else, and half way too scared that i'll somehow burn myself out if i do that. i make no sense. hence why i'm trying to unwind a bit with blogging.

ok, i'm off to do that bathing thing. expect frantic and sporadic updates throughout the month!

a finisher

so recently i've started watching John Green play FIFA on Hank Games. i'm not a gamer, but when i do game, i do not play sports. watching someone play a sports game would have to be the most boring thing anyone could possibly do. unless it's accompanied by the fabulous story weaving skills of John Green.
He tells stories from his life as though it's a story from one of his novels. He introduces the characters, describes the setting, lays out the plot, and ends with some kind of moral or joke.
But while the true stories are fashioned fabulously, i'm in it for the fiction. All the players of the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers have a story. star striker Bald John Green with his magnificent mustache who is married to his teammate Other John Green. Voluptuous Paricard and the epic romance he shares with his wife. Fat Lucas, the trusty goal keeper and recovering alcoholic. and my favorite, the womanizing, dedicated and loyal (to the team) "stone cold Cteve with a C Austin!"
there is a "gazette" that covers their games and they even have twitter accounts. John releases an episode almost every day, and i look forward to them.
the thing i have taken from these episodes, besides their entertainment value, is being a "finisher."
when someone scores a goal, team manager John Green is often heard to say, "he's a finisher!"
last week i remembered something i had forgotten to do, and therefore couldn't complete it. as in i couldn't just go back and finish it later. (i don't remember what the thing was right now, but don't worry about that. that detail isn't necessary.) i looked down, shook my head sadly and said to myself, "i'm not a finisher."
so now, thanks to John Green, i'm either a finisher, or i'm "not a finisher" in everything i do. :P

overindulgence

so, Coffee Bean (& Tea Leaf) is a chain like Starbucks, but the coffee isn't bitter and there's a larger focus on teas.
back when i was 19/20 i would go to the Coffee Bean every day and regularly order a large sized chocolate ice blended drink, with chocolate syrup and caramel mixed in, chocolate syrup and caramel drizzled on the outside, a shot (or two) of espresso, with whipped cream on top. sometimes i would get chocolate covered espresso beans blended in just for fun.

i have one question: how the hell am i not diabetic?!?

some day...

some day, my blog will be sorted and i'll be able to post on my own domain (chelseairl.com). *sigh*
i can't even tell you how many hours i've invested in trying to get my fucking blog up on my site. seriously. it's fucking ridiculous.

i've tried using the Wordpress app that comes with my hosting service, i've tried manually posting it (both methods i've successfully achieved with two other hosting services) and nothing is working. if i was a complete n00b i... i would actually be more screwed, now that i think of it. because i would think i must be doing something terribly wrong. *sigh*

i guess i'm just going to have to contact my hosting service. i really can't think of anything else i can do. Wordpress won't work. Blogger won't work- oh! let me tell you a bit about my blogger woes!

so i thought, ok, till i can figure out my Wordpress thing, i'll just set it up to redirect through blogger. it's a fairly simple process. no worries. this has actually been more frustrating than WP. because while with WP it could be one of a million little quirks (one misplaced character in the code, a software issue, etc.), blogger was actually showing up, and then disappearing. literally. i would enter the address to my blog, and for about 15 min. it would show it, then for an hour it would be gone. then it would magically be back. then it would be gone again. THAT IS NOT LOGICAL!!! it's either set up correctly, or it's not. it can't disappear and reappear. that just doesn't make any sense in any way and... yeah. that's the point i gave up.

so, some day, hopefully soon, i'll have my blog hosted on my own site. until then, i guess we're just gonna have to go the good old fashioned Blogger route.

still going...

you haven't seen any writing from me lately, but i've been writing every day. i'm writing character backgrounds and the histories of locations and about animals and monsters and items. i basically have to make an entire fantasy game. so i need to figure out the weapons and the armor and who can use what and how. what are the different classes strengths and weaknesses. there's just so much to write before i actually write! i have so much to add to the timeline! so many scenes i have to add!
i hope all this work will pay off as much as i think it will.

Wrimo!

ok, so i'm not sure if i'm going to get any progress done on anything else, but i can at least write a blog post.
so, since everyone is gearing up for NaNoWriMo, this one chick found all the people in her circles participating in Wrimo and put them in one public circle. only people in the circle could see each other. all 250 people are adding each other. so... i gained 250 friends today. XD
oh, and if anyone's doing Wrimo let me know so i can add you to my Wrimo circle.
also, this year i plan to go to some of the Wrimo events. at the very least i'll be going to the kick-off, mid-month, and TGIO (Thank Gosh It's Over) parties. we'll see how many of the meet-ups in between i make it to.
i'm just so excited this year! i'm nervous that i won't win, but not so much that i don't think i will. i just hope i don't get a block in the middle! there's not much you can do if you get a block. :/
well i'm gonna go back to planning, plotting and character development! see ya when i see ya!

writing about writing (and website fails)

ok. we're gonna pretend i'm not completely frustrated.

...on second thought, i'm too frustrated to pretend i'm not frustrated.

so, as of now, the website is paid for, the domain is transferred, i've set up all the bells and whistles... but PHP, apparently, isn't running on my server so my blog won't install. why, yes. yes, i would like to kill someone. thank you for asking.

*takes deep breath*

this blog situation is putting a wrench in my pretty little plans. in preparation for NaNoWriMo, i want to write every day. whether i do that writing in one of my novels or in a blog post doesn't matter, as long as i write every day. writing is a practice. once you're used to pushing out words, especially in a creative capacity, it gets easier to do on command.

for example: i used to be in a music duo. i wrote a lot of the lyrics for said duo. by the time we broke up, i could write a reasonably catchy song about the topic of your choosing by request. the longer i worked on it, the better it would be. but i could give you something of decent quality within 30 minutes. or less, depending on the subject and what kind of day i was having.

i'm sure noveling is a bit more difficult (no, i know noveling is more difficult) than churning out lyrics for 2 1/2-3 minute songs, but still. once you find out how to frame something and get in the zone... well that's half the battle. plus, once your mind is in the habit of getting in the proper zone, it's easier to do it on command.

now, since i got this plan i've been writing more and i've been working to get my blog back online. (letting my website lapse didn't help.) so, basically, i've got the website up, but Wordpress (my latest drug of choice) will not install. no matter what angle i try to do it from.

however, every day wasted by failing to get my blog up is a day i'm not writing. writing is really the bigger picture here.

so, in classic Chelsea fashion, i've hooked up a workaround!

this is the free Blogger blog i abandoned in favor of my shiny Wordpress one. as long as i have a Google account, this blog will exist. which, right now, i'm very glad i remembered.

now that i've sorted the sordid, i can move on to talking about the things i actually want to talk about. but perhaps in another post. cuz this has gotten way longer than expected. :P

Dynamite

this* is what i think of every time i hear this song. which is why i like this song. it makes me laugh. XD



* yes i did draw a cartoon dinosaur flexing his muscles simply for the purpose of this blog.