i just really felt the need to write something that wasn't my NaNovel. i've been wanting to do this for a while, just turning on a song and letting it inspire the story i would tell. so i did that. (at 3am. because i'm a freakin' genius!)
oh! and this is completely unedited. there could be super terrible spelling errors or words missing or typos, or any of a myriad of terrible things that can be found in writing. i apologize ahead of time. and without further ado:
The worst part is it wasn't bad.
If it had been bad, it wouldn't hurt. I could drown out the pain with anger and justification and logic. I could remember the bad and bury the good, and move on unscathed.
I wouldn't obsessively play "our" song because sometimes it makes me feel good, but most times it just reminds me that it's over and irreparable and makes me cry, but I keep playing it hoping that this will be one of the feel-good plays. I wouldn't need ice packs to minimize the puffiness around my eyes before work in the morning. I wouldn't have the constant clock ticking in my head, an endless metronome that counts down to when I can stop pretending that I'm ok and moving on and not endlessly thinking of you.
During the day I tell myself it's not over. I tell myself I'll call you on my lunch break. And on my lunch break I tell myself I'll call you after work. And all the while the clock keeps ticking. And I deleted your number from my phone because if I kept calling and hanging up, you would stop answering blocked calls, and getting your voicemail instead of your voice when I know you're there would be unbearable. I spent days trying to decide whether the fact that technology allows you to never need to memorize anyone's phone number is a blessing or a curse. If not for that, you're number would be permanently etched into my brain, programmed into the muscle memory of my fingertips. Instead, my fingers remember how to call you with speed dial, but there's no longer your number in that memory slot. And I finally decided that it's both. It is both a blessing and a curse because although all I want to do is call just to hear you say "hello," it is best that I do not. It is best that I let your voice slowly fade from my memory. Even though that is the least desirable thing I can think of doing right now.
The weekends are the worst. The nine hours I spend on weekdays pretending I'll call you later are open and empty, waiting for me to fill them in. I fill them with denial, and "our song" and washing. I have washed everything I own at least ten times. I swear I have the cleanest apartment anyone has ever seen. I should probably phone the Guinness Book of Records, because I have no doubt I would make the cut. The only reason I don't is that media likes to cover when people make it into the Guinness Book, and they would ask me what inspired me to clean so much, and I'd be forced to admit to the whole world that I'm unforgivably pathetic and that the only way I can keep from killing myself is by cleaning.
I said the worst thing was that it wasn't bad. I change my mind. While that is definitely horrendously bad, on second glance, it really is only second best to the very worst thing. The very worst thing absolutely has to be that this is all my fault. If it weren't, and if I could blame you, I might be able to slant this into something tolerable.
And don't misunderstand me. I blame you. If only you had done a better job of communicating your feelings. If only you had been around more often when I was available. Did you ever think about taking my schedule into consideration? But this part, the blaming you, it all happens at the crescendo of the denial. When lost in a mass of denial I can tell myself that it wasn't my fault at all and that this was inevitable and that it should have happened sooner. But even then, even when I'm in the throes of lying to myself, I know that I'm lying. Somewhere in the undercurrent I always know what really happened. I always know that this is something I did and you didn't want.
And I was wrong. That isn't the worst part. The worst part is that you left thinking that I didn't care. Or that I didn't care enough. But I did. I cared so much! And that's why I had to erase your number. That's why I couldn't stop calling you. Because I knew if I could just explain to you that I did care. That there were entire days that I didn't think of anything but you, then things would be ok. They probably would never go back to how they were. I might never see you again. But at least you would know that I'm not the careless jerk that i acted like, and that you were loved, sometimes overwhelmingly so, every single day, and that I'm sorry for making you ever feel otherwise. And there's a small part of me, a ridiculous and hopeless part I know, but a part all the same that thinks if only I could somehow successfully convey this all to you, that maybe this would fix everything. That this would be enough to reverse the damage and make everything better. But I know that, even if I somehow were able to find the words to tell you how I feel and properly apologize, that it would never go back to how it was. The wound is bigger than the band-aid can cover. So I deleted your number rather than putting myself through a new cycle of pain and you through the most awkward conversation in the universe.
My sister says that I'll get over this. That one day I'll wake up and you won't be the first thing on my mind. I've had heartbreak before, and I know it felt like a perpetual annihilation and that I healed. And I know that my sister thinks that what she says is true. That I will move on and find someone who fits me even better, but I swear she's wrong. There will never ever be another person in a million years that I will love even half as much.
But if I do fall in love again, which I don't think is likely, but if I do, I will never let my fear of expressing emotions get in the way of being careful and loving, and most of all, present.
here's what happened...
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Nanowrimo's Eve
well, here we are. Nanowrimo's Eve. ...and, ya know, Halloween. but Nanowrimo's Eve!!!
i've done all the preparation i can do, and now all that's left is to pray i don't get writer's block. i know where my story is going. i've finally met my characters (if only briefly. i would've liked to have spent more time with them.) and i have some chapters pre-written in my head. now i'm just all nervous and anxious.
two days ago i started thinking that i should just switch stories altogether. despite having outlined the entire thing, and made up characters, and even drawn a map, i thought maybe it would be easier to do the other story. ya know the one. the one where i talked about not being able to do because i would have to do WAY too much character development and i wasn't even sure if i was happy with the ending or the journey there. granted, i have since made a rough outline of said story and even developed the characters a bit, but still. i don't know that story nearly as well as i know my Nano story. and there are big plot holes i haven't worked through that could really stop me up, while my Nano story is solid.
(sigh) i have to win this. because next year i just want to either a) finish Theta or b) finish my "God story." that's the working title. i half way want to work off some of these jitters by writing a chapter of something else, and half way too scared that i'll somehow burn myself out if i do that. i make no sense. hence why i'm trying to unwind a bit with blogging.
ok, i'm off to do that bathing thing. expect frantic and sporadic updates throughout the month!
i've done all the preparation i can do, and now all that's left is to pray i don't get writer's block. i know where my story is going. i've finally met my characters (if only briefly. i would've liked to have spent more time with them.) and i have some chapters pre-written in my head. now i'm just all nervous and anxious.
two days ago i started thinking that i should just switch stories altogether. despite having outlined the entire thing, and made up characters, and even drawn a map, i thought maybe it would be easier to do the other story. ya know the one. the one where i talked about not being able to do because i would have to do WAY too much character development and i wasn't even sure if i was happy with the ending or the journey there. granted, i have since made a rough outline of said story and even developed the characters a bit, but still. i don't know that story nearly as well as i know my Nano story. and there are big plot holes i haven't worked through that could really stop me up, while my Nano story is solid.
(sigh) i have to win this. because next year i just want to either a) finish Theta or b) finish my "God story." that's the working title. i half way want to work off some of these jitters by writing a chapter of something else, and half way too scared that i'll somehow burn myself out if i do that. i make no sense. hence why i'm trying to unwind a bit with blogging.
ok, i'm off to do that bathing thing. expect frantic and sporadic updates throughout the month!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
a finisher
so recently i've started watching John Green play FIFA on Hank Games. i'm not a gamer, but when i do game, i do not play sports. watching someone play a sports game would have to be the most boring thing anyone could possibly do. unless it's accompanied by the fabulous story weaving skills of John Green.
He tells stories from his life as though it's a story from one of his novels. He introduces the characters, describes the setting, lays out the plot, and ends with some kind of moral or joke.
But while the true stories are fashioned fabulously, i'm in it for the fiction. All the players of the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers have a story. star striker Bald John Green with his magnificent mustache who is married to his teammate Other John Green. Voluptuous Paricard and the epic romance he shares with his wife. Fat Lucas, the trusty goal keeper and recovering alcoholic. and my favorite, the womanizing, dedicated and loyal (to the team) "stone cold Cteve with a C Austin!"
there is a "gazette" that covers their games and they even have twitter accounts. John releases an episode almost every day, and i look forward to them.
the thing i have taken from these episodes, besides their entertainment value, is being a "finisher."
when someone scores a goal, team manager John Green is often heard to say, "he's a finisher!"
last week i remembered something i had forgotten to do, and therefore couldn't complete it. as in i couldn't just go back and finish it later. (i don't remember what the thing was right now, but don't worry about that. that detail isn't necessary.) i looked down, shook my head sadly and said to myself, "i'm not a finisher."
so now, thanks to John Green, i'm either a finisher, or i'm "not a finisher" in everything i do. :P
He tells stories from his life as though it's a story from one of his novels. He introduces the characters, describes the setting, lays out the plot, and ends with some kind of moral or joke.
But while the true stories are fashioned fabulously, i'm in it for the fiction. All the players of the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers have a story. star striker Bald John Green with his magnificent mustache who is married to his teammate Other John Green. Voluptuous Paricard and the epic romance he shares with his wife. Fat Lucas, the trusty goal keeper and recovering alcoholic. and my favorite, the womanizing, dedicated and loyal (to the team) "stone cold Cteve with a C Austin!"
there is a "gazette" that covers their games and they even have twitter accounts. John releases an episode almost every day, and i look forward to them.
the thing i have taken from these episodes, besides their entertainment value, is being a "finisher."
when someone scores a goal, team manager John Green is often heard to say, "he's a finisher!"
last week i remembered something i had forgotten to do, and therefore couldn't complete it. as in i couldn't just go back and finish it later. (i don't remember what the thing was right now, but don't worry about that. that detail isn't necessary.) i looked down, shook my head sadly and said to myself, "i'm not a finisher."
so now, thanks to John Green, i'm either a finisher, or i'm "not a finisher" in everything i do. :P
Friday, October 28, 2011
overindulgence
so, Coffee Bean (& Tea Leaf) is a chain like Starbucks, but the coffee isn't bitter and there's a larger focus on teas.
back when i was 19/20 i would go to the Coffee Bean every day and regularly order a large sized chocolate ice blended drink, with chocolate syrup and caramel mixed in, chocolate syrup and caramel drizzled on the outside, a shot (or two) of espresso, with whipped cream on top. sometimes i would get chocolate covered espresso beans blended in just for fun.
i have one question: how the hell am i not diabetic?!?
back when i was 19/20 i would go to the Coffee Bean every day and regularly order a large sized chocolate ice blended drink, with chocolate syrup and caramel mixed in, chocolate syrup and caramel drizzled on the outside, a shot (or two) of espresso, with whipped cream on top. sometimes i would get chocolate covered espresso beans blended in just for fun.
i have one question: how the hell am i not diabetic?!?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
some day...
some day, my blog will be sorted and i'll be able to post on my own domain (chelseairl.com). *sigh*
i can't even tell you how many hours i've invested in trying to get my fucking blog up on my site. seriously. it's fucking ridiculous.
i've tried using the Wordpress app that comes with my hosting service, i've tried manually posting it (both methods i've successfully achieved with two other hosting services) and nothing is working. if i was a complete n00b i... i would actually be more screwed, now that i think of it. because i would think i must be doing something terribly wrong. *sigh*
i guess i'm just going to have to contact my hosting service. i really can't think of anything else i can do. Wordpress won't work. Blogger won't work- oh! let me tell you a bit about my blogger woes!
so i thought, ok, till i can figure out my Wordpress thing, i'll just set it up to redirect through blogger. it's a fairly simple process. no worries. this has actually been more frustrating than WP. because while with WP it could be one of a million little quirks (one misplaced character in the code, a software issue, etc.), blogger was actually showing up, and then disappearing. literally. i would enter the address to my blog, and for about 15 min. it would show it, then for an hour it would be gone. then it would magically be back. then it would be gone again. THAT IS NOT LOGICAL!!! it's either set up correctly, or it's not. it can't disappear and reappear. that just doesn't make any sense in any way and... yeah. that's the point i gave up.
so, some day, hopefully soon, i'll have my blog hosted on my own site. until then, i guess we're just gonna have to go the good old fashioned Blogger route.
i can't even tell you how many hours i've invested in trying to get my fucking blog up on my site. seriously. it's fucking ridiculous.
i've tried using the Wordpress app that comes with my hosting service, i've tried manually posting it (both methods i've successfully achieved with two other hosting services) and nothing is working. if i was a complete n00b i... i would actually be more screwed, now that i think of it. because i would think i must be doing something terribly wrong. *sigh*
i guess i'm just going to have to contact my hosting service. i really can't think of anything else i can do. Wordpress won't work. Blogger won't work- oh! let me tell you a bit about my blogger woes!
so i thought, ok, till i can figure out my Wordpress thing, i'll just set it up to redirect through blogger. it's a fairly simple process. no worries. this has actually been more frustrating than WP. because while with WP it could be one of a million little quirks (one misplaced character in the code, a software issue, etc.), blogger was actually showing up, and then disappearing. literally. i would enter the address to my blog, and for about 15 min. it would show it, then for an hour it would be gone. then it would magically be back. then it would be gone again. THAT IS NOT LOGICAL!!! it's either set up correctly, or it's not. it can't disappear and reappear. that just doesn't make any sense in any way and... yeah. that's the point i gave up.
so, some day, hopefully soon, i'll have my blog hosted on my own site. until then, i guess we're just gonna have to go the good old fashioned Blogger route.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
still going...
you haven't seen any writing from me lately, but i've been writing every day. i'm writing character backgrounds and the histories of locations and about animals and monsters and items. i basically have to make an entire fantasy game. so i need to figure out the weapons and the armor and who can use what and how. what are the different classes strengths and weaknesses. there's just so much to write before i actually write! i have so much to add to the timeline! so many scenes i have to add!
i hope all this work will pay off as much as i think it will.
i hope all this work will pay off as much as i think it will.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Wrimo!
ok, so i'm not sure if i'm going to get any progress done on anything else, but i can at least write a blog post.
so, since everyone is gearing up for NaNoWriMo, this one chick found all the people in her circles participating in Wrimo and put them in one public circle. only people in the circle could see each other. all 250 people are adding each other. so... i gained 250 friends today. XD
oh, and if anyone's doing Wrimo let me know so i can add you to my Wrimo circle.
also, this year i plan to go to some of the Wrimo events. at the very least i'll be going to the kick-off, mid-month, and TGIO (Thank Gosh It's Over) parties. we'll see how many of the meet-ups in between i make it to.
i'm just so excited this year! i'm nervous that i won't win, but not so much that i don't think i will. i just hope i don't get a block in the middle! there's not much you can do if you get a block. :/
well i'm gonna go back to planning, plotting and character development! see ya when i see ya!
so, since everyone is gearing up for NaNoWriMo, this one chick found all the people in her circles participating in Wrimo and put them in one public circle. only people in the circle could see each other. all 250 people are adding each other. so... i gained 250 friends today. XD
oh, and if anyone's doing Wrimo let me know so i can add you to my Wrimo circle.
also, this year i plan to go to some of the Wrimo events. at the very least i'll be going to the kick-off, mid-month, and TGIO (Thank Gosh It's Over) parties. we'll see how many of the meet-ups in between i make it to.
i'm just so excited this year! i'm nervous that i won't win, but not so much that i don't think i will. i just hope i don't get a block in the middle! there's not much you can do if you get a block. :/
well i'm gonna go back to planning, plotting and character development! see ya when i see ya!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
writing about writing (and website fails)
ok. we're gonna pretend i'm not completely frustrated.
...on second thought, i'm too frustrated to pretend i'm not frustrated.
so, as of now, the website is paid for, the domain is transferred, i've set up all the bells and whistles... but PHP, apparently, isn't running on my server so my blog won't install. why, yes. yes, i would like to kill someone. thank you for asking.
*takes deep breath*
this blog situation is putting a wrench in my pretty little plans. in preparation for NaNoWriMo, i want to write every day. whether i do that writing in one of my novels or in a blog post doesn't matter, as long as i write every day. writing is a practice. once you're used to pushing out words, especially in a creative capacity, it gets easier to do on command.
for example: i used to be in a music duo. i wrote a lot of the lyrics for said duo. by the time we broke up, i could write a reasonably catchy song about the topic of your choosing by request. the longer i worked on it, the better it would be. but i could give you something of decent quality within 30 minutes. or less, depending on the subject and what kind of day i was having.
i'm sure noveling is a bit more difficult (no, i know noveling is more difficult) than churning out lyrics for 2 1/2-3 minute songs, but still. once you find out how to frame something and get in the zone... well that's half the battle. plus, once your mind is in the habit of getting in the proper zone, it's easier to do it on command.
now, since i got this plan i've been writing more and i've been working to get my blog back online. (letting my website lapse didn't help.) so, basically, i've got the website up, but Wordpress (my latest drug of choice) will not install. no matter what angle i try to do it from.
however, every day wasted by failing to get my blog up is a day i'm not writing. writing is really the bigger picture here.
so, in classic Chelsea fashion, i've hooked up a workaround!
this is the free Blogger blog i abandoned in favor of my shiny Wordpress one. as long as i have a Google account, this blog will exist. which, right now, i'm very glad i remembered.
now that i've sorted the sordid, i can move on to talking about the things i actually want to talk about. but perhaps in another post. cuz this has gotten way longer than expected. :P
...on second thought, i'm too frustrated to pretend i'm not frustrated.
so, as of now, the website is paid for, the domain is transferred, i've set up all the bells and whistles... but PHP, apparently, isn't running on my server so my blog won't install. why, yes. yes, i would like to kill someone. thank you for asking.
*takes deep breath*
this blog situation is putting a wrench in my pretty little plans. in preparation for NaNoWriMo, i want to write every day. whether i do that writing in one of my novels or in a blog post doesn't matter, as long as i write every day. writing is a practice. once you're used to pushing out words, especially in a creative capacity, it gets easier to do on command.
for example: i used to be in a music duo. i wrote a lot of the lyrics for said duo. by the time we broke up, i could write a reasonably catchy song about the topic of your choosing by request. the longer i worked on it, the better it would be. but i could give you something of decent quality within 30 minutes. or less, depending on the subject and what kind of day i was having.
i'm sure noveling is a bit more difficult (no, i know noveling is more difficult) than churning out lyrics for 2 1/2-3 minute songs, but still. once you find out how to frame something and get in the zone... well that's half the battle. plus, once your mind is in the habit of getting in the proper zone, it's easier to do it on command.
now, since i got this plan i've been writing more and i've been working to get my blog back online. (letting my website lapse didn't help.) so, basically, i've got the website up, but Wordpress (my latest drug of choice) will not install. no matter what angle i try to do it from.
however, every day wasted by failing to get my blog up is a day i'm not writing. writing is really the bigger picture here.
so, in classic Chelsea fashion, i've hooked up a workaround!
this is the free Blogger blog i abandoned in favor of my shiny Wordpress one. as long as i have a Google account, this blog will exist. which, right now, i'm very glad i remembered.
now that i've sorted the sordid, i can move on to talking about the things i actually want to talk about. but perhaps in another post. cuz this has gotten way longer than expected. :P
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Dynamite
this* is what i think of every time i hear this song. which is why i like this song. it makes me laugh. XD
* yes i did draw a cartoon dinosaur flexing his muscles simply for the purpose of this blog.
Friday, June 10, 2011
chatting with robots
i wanted to see what would happen if i talked to the robot as if it were a real person. (you can talk to a robot too by going here.)
User: Hello.
Cleverbot: Hello.
User: How are you?
Cleverbot: Fine, how are you?
User: I'm ok, kind of sleepy.
Cleverbot: Well then, WAKE UP!
User: I have to do my hair. I want a hairdresser.
Cleverbot: So you get up to go to a school that you are not enrolled in?
User: No, I didn't say anything about school!
Cleverbot: Do you learn?
User: Yes, do you?
Cleverbot: Yes, You are the best bot I have ever talked to.
User: I'm not a bout. are you?
Cleverbot: No i'm a human. You are a robot.
User: No you are a robot. I am a human.
Cleverbot: No i'm the human and you are the robot.
User: Stop arguing with me! I'm human!
Cleverbot: No!
User: Yes!
Cleverbot: No...
User: I can't believe you're questioning my humanity.
Cleverbot: It's true and what's more, you KNOW it's true.
User: It is not! you're a lying robot!
Cleverbot: Are you human?
User: Of course!
Cleverbot: I'm not!
User: I know you're not. I'm glad you're telling the truth now.
Cleverbot: Cleverbot, I am your father.
User: Noooooooo!
Cleverbot: What is music?
User: Music can't really be explained. it has to be experienced.
Cleverbot: Do you like music?
User: Yes, do you?
Cleverbot: What kind of music do you like?
User: What is your name?
Cleverbot: Kelsier the Mistborn.
User: That's a strange name. where are you from?
Cleverbot: I'm hungarian.
User: You're lying to me again. . why do you lie?
Cleverbot: I am not lying.
User: Yes you are. I know where you're from. tell the truth.
Cleverbot: Then you ask me a question to see if I am lying.
User: Yes, I did.
Cleverbot: No you didn't.
User: Yes, I did. and I caught you in a lie. don't deny it.
Cleverbot: Haha that must be something people answer to you. You're just a funny parrot.
User: You're a very insulting robot.I don't care to talk to you any longer. good night!
Cleverbot: So how can you say you love me if you don't know anything about me?
User: I NEVER said I loved you. I don't. good night.
Cleverbot: Oh ok.
User: Hello.
Cleverbot: Hello.
User: How are you?
Cleverbot: Fine, how are you?
User: I'm ok, kind of sleepy.
Cleverbot: Well then, WAKE UP!
User: I have to do my hair. I want a hairdresser.
Cleverbot: So you get up to go to a school that you are not enrolled in?
User: No, I didn't say anything about school!
Cleverbot: Do you learn?
User: Yes, do you?
Cleverbot: Yes, You are the best bot I have ever talked to.
User: I'm not a bout. are you?
Cleverbot: No i'm a human. You are a robot.
User: No you are a robot. I am a human.
Cleverbot: No i'm the human and you are the robot.
User: Stop arguing with me! I'm human!
Cleverbot: No!
User: Yes!
Cleverbot: No...
User: I can't believe you're questioning my humanity.
Cleverbot: It's true and what's more, you KNOW it's true.
User: It is not! you're a lying robot!
Cleverbot: Are you human?
User: Of course!
Cleverbot: I'm not!
User: I know you're not. I'm glad you're telling the truth now.
Cleverbot: Cleverbot, I am your father.
User: Noooooooo!
Cleverbot: What is music?
User: Music can't really be explained. it has to be experienced.
Cleverbot: Do you like music?
User: Yes, do you?
Cleverbot: What kind of music do you like?
User: What is your name?
Cleverbot: Kelsier the Mistborn.
User: That's a strange name. where are you from?
Cleverbot: I'm hungarian.
User: You're lying to me again. . why do you lie?
Cleverbot: I am not lying.
User: Yes you are. I know where you're from. tell the truth.
Cleverbot: Then you ask me a question to see if I am lying.
User: Yes, I did.
Cleverbot: No you didn't.
User: Yes, I did. and I caught you in a lie. don't deny it.
Cleverbot: Haha that must be something people answer to you. You're just a funny parrot.
User: You're a very insulting robot.I don't care to talk to you any longer. good night!
Cleverbot: So how can you say you love me if you don't know anything about me?
User: I NEVER said I loved you. I don't. good night.
Cleverbot: Oh ok.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
cleaning up
hello blog!
i always miss writing, though that doesn't stop me from being lazy. XD
so i don't have too much to say, but i have to at least say this much. this morning i was trying to help Darlene change out a part on the copier. as it happens, said part was full of toner (which is powder) and when i picked it up i spilled some on the front of my brand new shirt.* http://dft.ba/-tp3
the stuff that got on my jeans all rubbed out with a paper towel, but of course the stuff on the shirt did not. my coworker suggested that i try vacuuming it out. and so i went into the janitorial room and vacuumed myself.
most of it came out and you don't even really see it now. which is good because i'm going to a Web Soup taping tonight and don't have time to stop at home and change my clothes.
i don't know what the rest of the day has in store for me, but it can't be any weirder than vacuuming yourself at 9:30 in the morning.
*when i say brand new, i mean i literally took the shirt out of the pouch it was shipped in and put it on.
i always miss writing, though that doesn't stop me from being lazy. XD
so i don't have too much to say, but i have to at least say this much. this morning i was trying to help Darlene change out a part on the copier. as it happens, said part was full of toner (which is powder) and when i picked it up i spilled some on the front of my brand new shirt.* http://dft.ba/-tp3
the stuff that got on my jeans all rubbed out with a paper towel, but of course the stuff on the shirt did not. my coworker suggested that i try vacuuming it out. and so i went into the janitorial room and vacuumed myself.
most of it came out and you don't even really see it now. which is good because i'm going to a Web Soup taping tonight and don't have time to stop at home and change my clothes.
i don't know what the rest of the day has in store for me, but it can't be any weirder than vacuuming yourself at 9:30 in the morning.
*when i say brand new, i mean i literally took the shirt out of the pouch it was shipped in and put it on.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
books
i'm not a blogger, i just post a lot.
so first thing's first, i DID finish The Host and it wasn't devastatingly disappointing. partly because Stephanie Meyer (or perhaps her editor) came to her senses and didn't use the word "chagrin" for the rest of the book.
also, while it definitely won't make it to my top 10 list, it's not bad. and at the end of the day, it's a sci-fi book that was aimed at adults. though the "adult" parts could easily be in YA novel, so idk.
speaking of adult parts, i am now reading the A Song of Ice and Fire series. this is because there is a new show called Game of Thrones on HBO which is based on the series, and i don't want to watch the show without reading the series first. so i've already read A Game of Thrones* and am now on the second book, A Clash of Kings. this guy, btw, is big on alliteration. the rest of the series is named as follows: A Storm of Swords, A Feast for Crows, A Dance with Dragons, The Winds of Winter, A Dream of Spring.
now, honestly, though i am all kinds of enthralled with the series here in the second book, i'm wondering why it's 7 books long. so far it seems like a 4 part series will probably be sufficient. but then, i haven't gotten there, nor do i know the plot of any of the other books, so i don't know. plus, there is SO MUCH DRAMA! every single second someone is plotting or fighting or doing something scandalous. this author (George R.R. Martin) definitely doesn't waste your time with stuff that doesn't advance the story or reveal something about a character.
i will say this though, it is VIOLENT! there is A LOT of violence and sex. but it is plot advancing violence as sex, so justified. but don't say i didn't warn you!
also, sometimes the sex scenes are creepy when you consider that this man wrote them:
i mean, is it just me or does he look... a bit... i dunno, like a creeper! is it just me?
also, 1 1/2 (long) books deep, use of chagrin count: 1
anyway, so because this isn't just a book blog, but this post has gone on long enough, there will be another post either later today or tomorrow talking about things that have nothing to do with books! :P
* apparently the first book is A Game of Thrones and the show is just Game of Thrones. *shrugs* idk.
so first thing's first, i DID finish The Host and it wasn't devastatingly disappointing. partly because Stephanie Meyer (or perhaps her editor) came to her senses and didn't use the word "chagrin" for the rest of the book.
also, while it definitely won't make it to my top 10 list, it's not bad. and at the end of the day, it's a sci-fi book that was aimed at adults. though the "adult" parts could easily be in YA novel, so idk.
speaking of adult parts, i am now reading the A Song of Ice and Fire series. this is because there is a new show called Game of Thrones on HBO which is based on the series, and i don't want to watch the show without reading the series first. so i've already read A Game of Thrones* and am now on the second book, A Clash of Kings. this guy, btw, is big on alliteration. the rest of the series is named as follows: A Storm of Swords, A Feast for Crows, A Dance with Dragons, The Winds of Winter, A Dream of Spring.
now, honestly, though i am all kinds of enthralled with the series here in the second book, i'm wondering why it's 7 books long. so far it seems like a 4 part series will probably be sufficient. but then, i haven't gotten there, nor do i know the plot of any of the other books, so i don't know. plus, there is SO MUCH DRAMA! every single second someone is plotting or fighting or doing something scandalous. this author (George R.R. Martin) definitely doesn't waste your time with stuff that doesn't advance the story or reveal something about a character.
i will say this though, it is VIOLENT! there is A LOT of violence and sex. but it is plot advancing violence as sex, so justified. but don't say i didn't warn you!
also, sometimes the sex scenes are creepy when you consider that this man wrote them:
i mean, is it just me or does he look... a bit... i dunno, like a creeper! is it just me?
also, 1 1/2 (long) books deep, use of chagrin count: 1
anyway, so because this isn't just a book blog, but this post has gone on long enough, there will be another post either later today or tomorrow talking about things that have nothing to do with books! :P
* apparently the first book is A Game of Thrones and the show is just Game of Thrones. *shrugs* idk.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
BEDA27: XD
there is a name for my animosity toward Stephanie Meyer's predilection for repetitive verbiage, and that name is "chagrin."*
seriously, you could play a fucking drinking game to this book. which is really a shame since, with exception of the excessive use of "chagrin,"** it's really not a bad book.
all the scenes and dialog move the story along. sometimes i think the pacing could be helped. maybe that certain conversations or descriptions run a bit long, but none are pointless.
i'm a little suspicious of my judgement however. ever since City of Masks,*** i'm afraid that anything will pass as good in comparison.
but no. the more i think about it, and rate it against my criteria, the more i think it's ok. i mean, it's no HP or Hunger Games or Apathy and Other Small Victories, but it's definitely not bad. ...and doesn't drag on like Blindsight tended to do. and when i got to the end i really liked Blindsight, but there were moments where i was unsure. also, Blindsight had a character named Chelsea which i just found kind of distracting.
but i was talking about The Host. oh yeah, did i mention we were talking about The Host? we're talking about The Host. yeah. so far, not bad. but i haven't gotten to the end yet. it's still possible it will be devastatingly disappointing. we'll see.
* i was trying to find the right word for my feeling. more than annoyance. more intense than simple anger. rage would be overboard. i looked to the thesaurus and it suggested "chagrin." :/
** which is among my list of favorable words. when it's not grossly overused, of course.
*** which is pretty much the most annoying book ever. ESPECIALLY the ending. ugh! you remember, it's the one i ranted about. the one that said "dragon eyes" and said something about two hearts beating as one, or some schmaltzy crap like that.
seriously, you could play a fucking drinking game to this book. which is really a shame since, with exception of the excessive use of "chagrin,"** it's really not a bad book.
all the scenes and dialog move the story along. sometimes i think the pacing could be helped. maybe that certain conversations or descriptions run a bit long, but none are pointless.
i'm a little suspicious of my judgement however. ever since City of Masks,*** i'm afraid that anything will pass as good in comparison.
but no. the more i think about it, and rate it against my criteria, the more i think it's ok. i mean, it's no HP or Hunger Games or Apathy and Other Small Victories, but it's definitely not bad. ...and doesn't drag on like Blindsight tended to do. and when i got to the end i really liked Blindsight, but there were moments where i was unsure. also, Blindsight had a character named Chelsea which i just found kind of distracting.
but i was talking about The Host. oh yeah, did i mention we were talking about The Host? we're talking about The Host. yeah. so far, not bad. but i haven't gotten to the end yet. it's still possible it will be devastatingly disappointing. we'll see.
* i was trying to find the right word for my feeling. more than annoyance. more intense than simple anger. rage would be overboard. i looked to the thesaurus and it suggested "chagrin." :/
** which is among my list of favorable words. when it's not grossly overused, of course.
*** which is pretty much the most annoying book ever. ESPECIALLY the ending. ugh! you remember, it's the one i ranted about. the one that said "dragon eyes" and said something about two hearts beating as one, or some schmaltzy crap like that.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
boring day
sorry, blog, but i'm not really in the mood to write. not a blog post anyway.
i had a pretty boring day. i ran a bunch of errands, then i watched Doctor Who (which i'll need to watch again, though i liked it), and then i started looking for new books to put on my ipod. any suggestions, especially sci-fi and/or supernatural ones, would be appreciated.
anyway, i'm gonna go back to writing. it's shit. but at least it's writing.
i had a pretty boring day. i ran a bunch of errands, then i watched Doctor Who (which i'll need to watch again, though i liked it), and then i started looking for new books to put on my ipod. any suggestions, especially sci-fi and/or supernatural ones, would be appreciated.
anyway, i'm gonna go back to writing. it's shit. but at least it's writing.
Friday, April 22, 2011
ReBoot!
hey blog!
so i don't know how, but we've been making our way through this month pretty damn fast. WAY faster than i was expecting. because of this, i've finally spent some time preparing for my podcast.
i was gonna go to Sci-Fi Friday* tonight, but i just was too tired to go. just driving home is tiring now since it's never gonna take less than 30 minutes now. kind of annoying.
even though it's only 10:30 i feel pretty tired now. yet there's still so many things i want to do. ...like watch the first two seasons of ReBoot. because nothing says nostalgia like watching the cartoons you grew up with. and i'm SO glad that i've procrastinated looking up that show till now. cuz they JUST released it last month. and they're releasing season 3&4 (the last seasons) in June. so, yeah. perfect timing, universe. we should coordinate things like this more often.
in other news, i really need to just pick one thing to focus on and do it. i can't decide on one thing and end up not doing anything. like, i start doing one thing and in the process of doing that thing, i think of something else, and i start doing that thing, and that keeps going till i get around to the first thing, and the circle keeps going until i go to sleep. and at the end of that circle i haven't made any real progress on any one thing because by the time i get back to it i'm like, "where was i?" and i have to back track, and by the time i get to the point where i left off, i get distracted again. right now that's the description of my entire life. :/
ok, blog. you've suffered through my aimless rambling for long enough now. we'll take a break from the torture for now and take up again tomorrow.
also, this: http://youtu.be/3V0YaS6c7f0
* same lady who put together the Buffy Meet-Ups also has get-togethers at her house. she is the one who is having the Doctor Who viewing party.
so i don't know how, but we've been making our way through this month pretty damn fast. WAY faster than i was expecting. because of this, i've finally spent some time preparing for my podcast.
i was gonna go to Sci-Fi Friday* tonight, but i just was too tired to go. just driving home is tiring now since it's never gonna take less than 30 minutes now. kind of annoying.
even though it's only 10:30 i feel pretty tired now. yet there's still so many things i want to do. ...like watch the first two seasons of ReBoot. because nothing says nostalgia like watching the cartoons you grew up with. and i'm SO glad that i've procrastinated looking up that show till now. cuz they JUST released it last month. and they're releasing season 3&4 (the last seasons) in June. so, yeah. perfect timing, universe. we should coordinate things like this more often.
in other news, i really need to just pick one thing to focus on and do it. i can't decide on one thing and end up not doing anything. like, i start doing one thing and in the process of doing that thing, i think of something else, and i start doing that thing, and that keeps going till i get around to the first thing, and the circle keeps going until i go to sleep. and at the end of that circle i haven't made any real progress on any one thing because by the time i get back to it i'm like, "where was i?" and i have to back track, and by the time i get to the point where i left off, i get distracted again. right now that's the description of my entire life. :/
ok, blog. you've suffered through my aimless rambling for long enough now. we'll take a break from the torture for now and take up again tomorrow.
also, this: http://youtu.be/3V0YaS6c7f0
* same lady who put together the Buffy Meet-Ups also has get-togethers at her house. she is the one who is having the Doctor Who viewing party.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
brain ache
hey blog!
i've got a headache. i REALLY hate headaches. i mean, it's not even THAT bad. and i know it. but i just don't have a tolerance for headaches. other things, i'll shut up and suck it up. headaches i can't handle.
i can't wait till Doctor Who comes out on Saturday. i'm gonna go to a viewing party with the Buffy nerds. so that should be fun! i'm also excited because i don't actually have to torrent it to see it the same day it comes out. it's showing here in America on time this season! :D
in other news, my eyes are aching as well as my brain. ...why do we call it a headache when it's really a brain ache?
i've got a headache. i REALLY hate headaches. i mean, it's not even THAT bad. and i know it. but i just don't have a tolerance for headaches. other things, i'll shut up and suck it up. headaches i can't handle.
i can't wait till Doctor Who comes out on Saturday. i'm gonna go to a viewing party with the Buffy nerds. so that should be fun! i'm also excited because i don't actually have to torrent it to see it the same day it comes out. it's showing here in America on time this season! :D
in other news, my eyes are aching as well as my brain. ...why do we call it a headache when it's really a brain ache?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
wishing for a TARDIS
time is flying, blog!
the good thing about this is it's getting closer to the season six premier of Doctor Who! yay!!!
the bad thing about this is that I'm almost out if time for this post to be considered on time.*
the only good thing about there not being enough time for a proper update is that there was nothing much to say about the uneventful day.
* although there have been days I've technically been late, my sleep schedule was also off kilter and as far as I personally was concerned, it felt like it was on time. and as this is my personal blog exploring my thoughts and feelings, I think this should go by what time I think or feel it is. my sleep schedule is fine at the moment. therefore, normal rules apply at the moment. (that was longer than expected.)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
descriptive description
hey blog!
i'm pretty sleepy, so i'm gonna keep this short, but i just feel the need to get one thing off my mind.
last week i was listening to this book about a ghost hunter. i wouldn't recommend it or anything, but i didn't want to kill myself. ...although i do suspect i may be a bit forgiving.
in either case, this was the book i quoted the puke-worthy line from a few posts back. and though there were a couple more lines that were equally nauseating, they weren't as irksome as some of the physical descriptions. the fact that most of them were blatantly cliche was bad enough, but...
ok, let me tell you what irked me first, then rant about it.
so there's this hard-as-nails, older lady character that the main character is arguing with. first he (the author) says she has "raptor eyes." now, unless you want to base this description on the Steven Speilberg movie Jurassic Park, then it's a little hard to picture since no one has ever seen raptor eyes! ok, so you may be saying, "but Chelsea, clearly he was using the word by it's other meaning which means a bird of prey." and i'd be like, "ok. maybe you're right. i guess i'll give him the benefit of the doubt." or at least i would say that if it weren't for the fact that later in the same scene, he describes the same pair of eyes as "dragon eyes." that's right. we've moved from a real, yet unfortunately prehistoric and therefore unwitnessed animal, to an actual MYTHICAL CREATURE! snake eyes or reptilian eyes i could picture. and though it might not be the top pick for most original description, at least it would put an image in my head. and, seriously, let's face it, it was so laden with cliches, what difference would two more make?
at least he didn't go on to describe characters by likening their features to leprechauns and unicorns. though at this point i wouldn't put it past him. but it's ok if he does, because i won't be reading any more of his books, so it doesn't matter.
also, no more saying "impish grin." this guy's not guilty of it, but still. i was just trying to think of other things that annoy me in writing (just in general), and that was the first thing to come to mind.
ok. like i said, i'm keeping this short. and besides, if i write any longer it'll just be me whining about things i've read that have annoyed me and occasionally made me want to shoot myself. in other words, this post would ironically become a writing of such caliber. and blog, i like you. i don't want to do that to you. ...i also like me, and don't want to do that to me, either.
g'night!
i'm pretty sleepy, so i'm gonna keep this short, but i just feel the need to get one thing off my mind.
last week i was listening to this book about a ghost hunter. i wouldn't recommend it or anything, but i didn't want to kill myself. ...although i do suspect i may be a bit forgiving.
in either case, this was the book i quoted the puke-worthy line from a few posts back. and though there were a couple more lines that were equally nauseating, they weren't as irksome as some of the physical descriptions. the fact that most of them were blatantly cliche was bad enough, but...
ok, let me tell you what irked me first, then rant about it.
so there's this hard-as-nails, older lady character that the main character is arguing with. first he (the author) says she has "raptor eyes." now, unless you want to base this description on the Steven Speilberg movie Jurassic Park, then it's a little hard to picture since no one has ever seen raptor eyes! ok, so you may be saying, "but Chelsea, clearly he was using the word by it's other meaning which means a bird of prey." and i'd be like, "ok. maybe you're right. i guess i'll give him the benefit of the doubt." or at least i would say that if it weren't for the fact that later in the same scene, he describes the same pair of eyes as "dragon eyes." that's right. we've moved from a real, yet unfortunately prehistoric and therefore unwitnessed animal, to an actual MYTHICAL CREATURE! snake eyes or reptilian eyes i could picture. and though it might not be the top pick for most original description, at least it would put an image in my head. and, seriously, let's face it, it was so laden with cliches, what difference would two more make?
at least he didn't go on to describe characters by likening their features to leprechauns and unicorns. though at this point i wouldn't put it past him. but it's ok if he does, because i won't be reading any more of his books, so it doesn't matter.
also, no more saying "impish grin." this guy's not guilty of it, but still. i was just trying to think of other things that annoy me in writing (just in general), and that was the first thing to come to mind.
ok. like i said, i'm keeping this short. and besides, if i write any longer it'll just be me whining about things i've read that have annoyed me and occasionally made me want to shoot myself. in other words, this post would ironically become a writing of such caliber. and blog, i like you. i don't want to do that to you. ...i also like me, and don't want to do that to me, either.
g'night!
obvious priorities
ok. worst excuse ever. are you ready?
watching reality TV.
nothing near as vile as Jersey Shore (is that show still on?), but still. I should have blogged. writing should always come before watching. :/
I almost forgot completely but I was changing my phone's wallpaper before going to sleep,* and after I looked at my home screen and saw my blogger app and was like, "oh shit! blog!" and now I'm blogging in bed on my phone.
ok. now I'm going to bed! g'night blog! see you tomorrow!
* so obviously a priority! HOW could I sleep without doing that first!?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
something substantial (?)
hey blog!
so yesterday i zonked out on the couch for about an hour and threw off my sense of time for the rest of the day. i remember looking at the clock at 11pm, thinking "i gotta write my blog!", making a cuppa, getting distracted, and looking at the clock again at 1am* in bed as i was about to fall asleep. i thought, i could quickly just write something about me going to sleep, but the last two posts kind of sucked like A LOT! so i figured i'd spare you and write something substantial today. which i will proceed with now!
so what i REALLY wanna do is make a vlog, but my hair looks like crap, so i won't. i mean, while at face value that may seem really shallow, but lets look at it in the long run. i'm not one to go deleting my videos. which means that vlog of me looking terrible is gonna be up there forever. there are already a couple videos up there that make me cringe. do i REALLY need to make more? (NO.) does that REALLY sound like a good idea? (nope) can i just jot down what i want to vlog about and do a vlog tomorrow? (yep!)
so remember how i mentioned that i needed a new bonnet dryer? well i finally bought one. and it came lightening fast! as in, 1 day instead of my free 2 day (i <3 Prime). in case that wasn't clear, that's overnight shipping for the low, low price of free.
so hopefully when i use it tonight it doesn't overheat and stop in five minutes, overheat and proceed melting my skin off, or otherwise break or malfunction. *crosses fingers* **
in other news, there really is no other news except maybe that i need to start working on #hotnerdsexy. gotta record a show in a couple weeks! eek!
* that looks like LAM, but i pressed the one key, i swear!
** might i mention that i take issue with saying "*crosses fingers*" (despite how much i say it) because of it's double entendre properties. now, most of the time when you see people say it (just in general around the 'nets) they mean they cross their fingers in a superstitious way which means they are hoping in favor of something. however, on occasion it can be taken to mean that you are lying. the classic fingers crossed behind the back. and every time i write "*fingers crossed*" i have to give myself a little reassurance talk that people will know that i mean that i'm sincerely hoping for the best as opposed to sinisterly lying to their faces. ...i overthink things sometimes. i know.
so yesterday i zonked out on the couch for about an hour and threw off my sense of time for the rest of the day. i remember looking at the clock at 11pm, thinking "i gotta write my blog!", making a cuppa, getting distracted, and looking at the clock again at 1am* in bed as i was about to fall asleep. i thought, i could quickly just write something about me going to sleep, but the last two posts kind of sucked like A LOT! so i figured i'd spare you and write something substantial today. which i will proceed with now!
so what i REALLY wanna do is make a vlog, but my hair looks like crap, so i won't. i mean, while at face value that may seem really shallow, but lets look at it in the long run. i'm not one to go deleting my videos. which means that vlog of me looking terrible is gonna be up there forever. there are already a couple videos up there that make me cringe. do i REALLY need to make more? (NO.) does that REALLY sound like a good idea? (nope) can i just jot down what i want to vlog about and do a vlog tomorrow? (yep!)
so remember how i mentioned that i needed a new bonnet dryer? well i finally bought one. and it came lightening fast! as in, 1 day instead of my free 2 day (i <3 Prime). in case that wasn't clear, that's overnight shipping for the low, low price of free.
so hopefully when i use it tonight it doesn't overheat and stop in five minutes, overheat and proceed melting my skin off, or otherwise break or malfunction. *crosses fingers* **
in other news, there really is no other news except maybe that i need to start working on #hotnerdsexy. gotta record a show in a couple weeks! eek!
* that looks like LAM, but i pressed the one key, i swear!
** might i mention that i take issue with saying "*crosses fingers*" (despite how much i say it) because of it's double entendre properties. now, most of the time when you see people say it (just in general around the 'nets) they mean they cross their fingers in a superstitious way which means they are hoping in favor of something. however, on occasion it can be taken to mean that you are lying. the classic fingers crossed behind the back. and every time i write "*fingers crossed*" i have to give myself a little reassurance talk that people will know that i mean that i'm sincerely hoping for the best as opposed to sinisterly lying to their faces. ...i overthink things sometimes. i know.
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