some day...

some day, my blog will be sorted and i'll be able to post on my own domain (chelseairl.com). *sigh*
i can't even tell you how many hours i've invested in trying to get my fucking blog up on my site. seriously. it's fucking ridiculous.

i've tried using the Wordpress app that comes with my hosting service, i've tried manually posting it (both methods i've successfully achieved with two other hosting services) and nothing is working. if i was a complete n00b i... i would actually be more screwed, now that i think of it. because i would think i must be doing something terribly wrong. *sigh*

i guess i'm just going to have to contact my hosting service. i really can't think of anything else i can do. Wordpress won't work. Blogger won't work- oh! let me tell you a bit about my blogger woes!

so i thought, ok, till i can figure out my Wordpress thing, i'll just set it up to redirect through blogger. it's a fairly simple process. no worries. this has actually been more frustrating than WP. because while with WP it could be one of a million little quirks (one misplaced character in the code, a software issue, etc.), blogger was actually showing up, and then disappearing. literally. i would enter the address to my blog, and for about 15 min. it would show it, then for an hour it would be gone. then it would magically be back. then it would be gone again. THAT IS NOT LOGICAL!!! it's either set up correctly, or it's not. it can't disappear and reappear. that just doesn't make any sense in any way and... yeah. that's the point i gave up.

so, some day, hopefully soon, i'll have my blog hosted on my own site. until then, i guess we're just gonna have to go the good old fashioned Blogger route.

paradox banal

cue music...
Jem - Save Me by ChelseaIRL
and... ACTION!

so hey, blog! how's it going? ...yeah, yeah, yeah. you're so conceited! all about you! my turn to talk! sheesh!

so, Katie, a friend i met at VidCon, just started vlogging. and in one of her vlogs (the one you will find below), she talks about not really having anything interesting going on and spending most of her time on the computer. and i left a comment that said this (among other things... so yeah ok, i left two comments. don't judge me!):

and don't worry if nothing is going on and you spend all your time online. ((secret: that's almost 100% of vloggers))

like, most of my vlogs, i show one of the shirts in my collection, tell some weird story, or just talk about my day. :)

this comment about the content of my vlogs has got me thinking though. has life in general just gotten less weird, or have i just become numb to it? i mean, surely the world i was in at 18 (the story in my latest vlog) isn't less weird than the world is now. if anything, the opposite must be true. so why don't i have as many weird stories?

well, one of the more obvious reasons that comes to mind is that my chief means of transportation is no longer my feet. another is that i'm far more skilled at deflecting weirdos before they can attempt to engage in conversation. but there must be more to it than that!

also, how is it that most of us vloggers, with all our stories and memes and footage, could have, for the most part, boring and uneventful lives? i mean, shouldn't the people with crazy and exciting lives be vlogging? but then, they don't log countless hours in front of their computers, do they?

i'm just pointing out that it's rather strange and incongruous that those who do so little could have so much to talk about. i mean, tell me the name of just ONE vlogger who, at the end of the day, isn't just a guy/girl alone talking to their camera. school and/or a job, a family, responsibilities. pretty boring. and yet they vlog. and it's watchable! it's a paradox, that's all i'm saying!

ok, blog. i'm gonna go back to my boring life now. :)

walk in my old shoes

so i just came in from lunch. late. because i was at a really good part in the book. well, all the parts are good. but that's beside the point.

the point is this. i gathered my things. i kept reading. i stood up. i kept reading. i turned around and walked to the door. i kept reading. and it was at this point that i didn't stop reading, but i had a feeling i haven't felt in years. i suddenly remembered ages 10-19, literally walking around reading. i would wake up and start reading. i would brush my teeth reading. i would walk through school hallways, dodging people, reading. i would even shower, with the door partly ajar, book propped on the toilet, towel nearby so i could turn pages with a dry hand. on the weekends, when i didn't have to sleep, i wouldn't. i would just keep reading.

and then, suddenly, that stopped. i don't know when it stopped. i can't mark the time or place. i just stopped reading like i used to. in fact, i stopped reading good old fashioned books in their booky form completely. e-books, and audio books as of late. but no sitting down with bound paper.

and this has bugged me. i mean, it really has bugged me. but it's one of those things that just nags at the back of your head and you just keep saying, "yes, later. yes, later." and sometimes i actually stop and feel a little ashamed, cuz i can't actually pinpoint when later will actually be.

and then today. that moment. that JUST happened.

...

i was me. i didn't even realize i hadn't been until i was again.

i imagine...

oh hai blog!

what's that? you feel that i've been blatantly neglecting you? thinking about you constantly, yet avoiding you like the plague the way a 13 year old girl with a crush would? ok, i was gonna lie. i was gonna say it's your imagination, you're a bit melodramatic, and seriously, i only like you as a friend. but we both know the truth.

i've been avoiding you, blog. and it's because i've gone ahead and set up stupid impossible standards that only exist in my mind... again.

you see, i've put you on this pedestal, blog. and now i can't just dribble out some mundane pablum. we're beyond that now. we've done better. and to go back to the drivel... it just seems like an injustice!

and so i've chosen to neglect you in favor of sparing you worthless nonsense. but can you blame me, blog? really?

so, because i'm a complete fucking psycho (or that's what all the evidence indicates, in any case) i've taken on a new collab project. and i'm covering history. now this really, in all seriousness, is NOT a big deal. unless you're me and you've decided that paranoia is necessary in all aspects of your life.

so do i simply say, "hey! i'll give the wiki randomizer a spin till i find something i like, research it further, then vlog about it"? of course i fucking don't! do you see any nail biting, lip chewing, or nervous ticks developing with that method? NO! so, clearly, not the choice for me.

ok, so i don't bite my nails, nor do i have any nervous ticks, but i do chew my lips. and just give it some time! with a little diligence (and continuance of my current habits) i'll get there! have a little faith, yeah?

and if you don't believe that i can turn any situation into a panic attack, just take this blog as an example. it's simple really. think of something, write about it. but no. i have to think, "later, when i have time. i'll research it and make it really good." and instead there's no post at all.

so from here on in, here's to not making such a big frickin' deal about everything.

and now that i've put everything into perspective, thus clearing all of the ridiculous anxiety clouding my mind, i've figured out, during the writing of this post, what the next 2-3 5BD videos will be about.

thanks, blog. you're such a good listener! and you always know just what to say.

???

why?



why would i want to read a blog called "my life is crap?" that obviously isn't gonna be much fun! plus, maybe we could try proper capitalization when naming our blogs? just a suggestion.